Samsung Should “Move On” With Its Apple Shade

So Samsung has once again tried to “diss” Apple… I use the outdated vernacular diss because it was yet another juvenile attempt at drawing Apple users away with half-truths, silly-ass portrayals of Genius Bar employees, customers, and yet another god damned notch haircut. Have a look…

Samsungs Ads Are Laughably Pathetic

So, our main character is a sad sack owner of a 4-year-old iPhone 6. Her struggles in life are all to blame on the slowness of her phone. Well, I think a lot of folks out there running an iPhone 6 are indeed ready for an upgrade… but perhaps most realize they aren’t going to perform near as well as a brand new model yea? Let’s break this down…

Ticket Counter Scene: IT’S HER PHONES FAULT FOR KEEPING UP THE TSA LINE! (And not exploding Notes 7’s) If only it would have launched her ticket app sooner… or perhaps she could be like anyone in the world and have launched her ticket app BEFORE walking up to the counter? But look how easy the Samsung user comes by and scans her ticket.. in the exact way the iPhone user would. So… this scene proved nothing and showed zero advantage to Samsung. Your 4-year-old phone, regardless of make, is going to take a second or two longer to launch an app, just be prepared for that instead of stressing out.

Walkway Scene: You are going to try and make us believe her MOTHER is hounding her about upgrading her phone… her MOTHER? And look how seemingly nervous she is about responding, like if she doesn’t tell her poor mother she hasn’t upgrade it may put her in full cardiac arrest! At least make it realistic and have a FRIEND poking fun at her for having an old ass phone.

In-Flight Movie Scene: So, our main character seems to get exasperated upon launching the Apple TV app and finding nothing, then meanwhile seeing the guy next to her enjoying a movie. Wait.. what is that? ENHANCE!

Samsung Moving On Problem

“THERE’S YOUR PROBLEM!!” In Mythbusters Voice

I’ll bet you dimes to dollars if I turn on Airplane Mode my TV App won’t work worth a damn as well! Now, any videos she had loaded previously on the phone should be under the Library tab, which is covered by her finger… I SMELL SHENANIGANS! So, our absent-minded main character seems to have missed the fact she turned on Airplane Mode and given up on watching anything, pulling our her headphones in frustration. Her seatmate smirks while watching a movie on his phone… I mean, really… WHO THE HELL WATCHES A MOVIE ON THEIR PHONE? Again, zero advantage to Samsung here, most phones have been able to watch movies for years, this is nothing new.. and the problem simply was airplane mode was turned on… and NO ONE watches movies on a phone screen! And if you do, listen to David Lynch

Uber Scene: What is the disadvantage Samsung is trying to portray here? From scene start with her phone launching the uber app to the cut is 2 seconds. TWO SECONDS. And she’s supposedly frustrated with it…. or was it her iPhone 6 was at fault for getting her into the wrong car? Or was it the water resistance of the S9 against the iPhone 6? Cause yea, considering her phone is 4 years old, yup… no water resistance. But again, Samsung makes no clear point in this scene.

Apple Store Scene: OMG HOW AWFUL THAT THERE IS AN APPLE STORE TO TAKE YOUR PHONE INTO THE UNMITIGATED GAUL! But yes, this is the supposed shank into Apple’s kidneys from Samsung, “Let’s get them on the performance throttling!!”. THAT’S WHY THEY DECIDED TO PICK ON THE IPHONE 6! Samsung has decided to try and make fun of Apple for a feature that was designed to prevent phones from unexpectedly shutting down when they have aging batteries, a problem that Android also has… if you are lucky enough to have an Android that outlasts its own battery. This is a problem cheap Androids don’t typically experience because they don’t last more than a year or two. Funny how Samsung boasts that it doesn’t throttle performance on older batteries, they just let the phone up and die instead.

And HOW DARE THE EMPLOYEE SUGGEST AN UPGRADE! It’s almost like Samsung never suggest their users upgrade to the latest and greatest. They support their phone’s for so long after all, like even the S8 will get Android P, it’s like, nearly 400 DAYS OLD! I mean, what do you expect, support for 1,700 days? That would be.. like.. IMPOSSIBLE!

Samsung notch

Samsung couldn’t be more ham-fisted had they gone elbow deep in a pair of prize-winning Iowa hogs.

The Fucking Haircut Scene: This MIGHT be funny if dozens of new Android phones didn’t just adopt the Notch for no damn reason whatsoever. Samsung is patting themselves on the back for not adopting the notch, instead, they choose to simply put an old-fashioned forehead and chin on the S9. My iPhone X, on the other hand, makes full use of its entire face and genius use of the two spaces on either side of the notch. Nice try Samsung, but grow up.

New Phone Scene: Our main character finally smiles now that she has the Samsung Galaxy S9! And thank God her mother can stop worrying about her daughter having a slow phone, I mean, that must be such a relief to her mother’s heavy heart. And what does she say about it? It’s lightning bolt, lightning bolt, lightning bolt! Three of them! That’s FAST to all you younguns out there whose parents are the emoji using coolios and not you. I’ll give it to Samsung here, I sure hope to hell an S9 is faster than an iPhone 6!! It’s about time a new Samsung can beat out a years-old iPhone.

Samsung… just stop already.

Ryszard Gold
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Ryszard Gold

Ryszard (Rick) Gold, From Calgary, Alberta, Canada has over 20 years of experience working with Apple products in a technical capacity. Passionate about technology in general, his natural troubleshooting abilities, curiosity and appreciation of good design lead him into working exclusively with Apple Computer products.
Ryszard Gold
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